Happy October! I put off writing this month's post because circle did not happen in the traditional way. Our monthly circle was cancelled. But circles happen in other ways, through conversations and whisperings that gather over the course of the month. This was surely the case, awaiting this month's powerful Super Moon which revealed the hidden wisdom and light, the subtle feminine territory of emotion and vulnerability.
I've named the post "trepidation and affirmation" because this is what we find as we listen to ourselves tell our old stories of fear, grief, longing and stuckness, allow ourselves to feel them, and then dare to rewrite them as stories of empowerment, progress and bravery.
I greatly surprised myself as I, it seems, did just that. I had just returned from a weekend at the college my son had chosen as his first choice. He is applying to college right now. Seeing him there so clearly, interacting with students and faculty with ease, I knew I had touched the leading edge of an event wave which would soon sweep him out of my day to day life for good.
As I was processing privately with my husband after the trip, I was inconsolable for about an hour, and this is not at all like me. I have been one to celebrate each step of our son's growing independence with pride and with joy. An eternal futurist, never had I felt a longing for a previous stage or to linger on the present one. But this was different. Why?
A phone call with one of my circle sisters brought it to light. This was not another stage in an ongoing process, but a signal of an upcoming "final act." What comes after a final act? The gap and a leap to a new stage. Trepidation!
She and I were both facing such transitions, wrestling with stories about ourselves that are becoming too small, too tired, too closely tied to particular circumstances and roles that were imminently winding to a close. What happens, we wondered, when we remove the particular circumstances and roles in which we've expressed ourselves all these years?
I've been a stay-at-home mom, but now I can be a nurturer on a grander scale. My friend has been a co-founder of a business partnership, but now is founding her independent passion and voice. The fact is that when we as women in particular serve with and for others, we tend to dilute ourselves. We do this willingly and with love, but I can't help but wonder what mountains we will move as we reconstitute this energy in its full-strength form and choose how to consciously direct it next.
The full moon sheds light on our emotional lives. I know I am not losing my son. But even if I were, I'm entering a new stage, one that promises different adventures, patterns, relationships and rewards. The trepidation comes as we venture beyond the familiar, fearing that we are not the same person inside without our roles and circumstances, fearing we might lose something precious. The affirmation comes when we discover that we not only are always the same person inside, but that the love and the light we've created in the world isn't ever diminished. It comes with us. As a bonus we get to know ourselves in greater depth and with more conscious reverence than ever before.
How about you?
What are your stories of trepidation and affirmation?
You can learn more about Laurie and her upcoming book, Enough! How to Liberate Yourself and Remake the World with Just One Word at www.weareenough.com
Don't have a circle and want to either find one near you or start one? I recommendhttp://www.gatherthewomen.org/